In the Orchards--A Series of Notes from Evan Hansen
by Eddward Evitt
Summary: Dear Evan Hansen, Every time I "hang out" with Connor, I write a note with our emails and our times. It helps me remember the good times. Sincerely, Me (This story is a Connor/Evan romance fic set in a slightly happier universe. Please click away if you do not like that. Thank you.)
1. Day One

Dear Evan Hansen,

I have one very important thing to say: Don't tell anyone about today, and don't talk to me at school. The last thing I want is to be seen together. People will ask questions. You're the anxious kid, and I'm the crazy one. We're too different. So whatever you do, don't approach me in school. Even so, I had such a good time at the orchard. I hadn't been there in seven years, not since it closed down. Maybe more than that, since I used to skip out on the picnics my parents tried to throw. Going there with you felt… Different, somehow. Better than being with my shitty parents who would always judge me for one thing or another. For once, I actually had fun. I'd like to do it again sometime. Then I can escape the judgement and all of my troubles. Being with you makes it all go away.

Sincerely,

Me

That e-mail was the fourth Connor had sent me. The first was when he told me about he had been watching me in school, while I pushed around the gross mushy corn that the cafeteria called a vegetable. He told me that he would never come to me in person to say it, but he felt bad for me. Of course, I thought, "Connor? The crazy kid who's always high in class? No way. How did he even get my email?" But something inside of me felt… Sympathy. He wasn't typing like he was insane. His message almost felt sad, with the way he worded it. So I asked him if he'd like to hang out. He immediately emailed back, saying to meet him at the orchard that closed seven years ago. No one went there, ever. It was private. "Great," I thought. "He probably wants to smoke crack with someone else instead of by himself this time." But that sympathetic feeling stayed with me. I asked when, and he never responded. Great.

It was morning when I got the next email, saying to meet him immediately. Nine in the morning? I had just woken up. It was a Saturday, and I liked to sleep in. The fact that my phone buzzed with an email was the only reason I was awake, as well. I didn't feel like going anywhere, not yet. But I couldn't just leave him hanging. He might overdose or something. Why was I worrying, though? He would always bump into me while passing in the hallway. Sometimes it would knock me over. A rough bump of his arm into mine. Now that I think about it, what did this guy ever do to deserve me meeting him? But once that thought occurred, I was on the bus, on my way to the orchard. Mom had given me bus fare to and from the stop closest to the orchard, right outside that ice cream place. A la Mode, I think it was called? It didn't really matter, though. I was already halfway there, and I wasn't going to waste the money mom gave to me for the day. She was working again, so I would be alone, too. So, I was just going to go.

"You're here." He said. His hair didn't look "school shooter-esque" like it usually did. He had straightened it and put it in a bun. His clothes were the same as ever, though.  
"What are you looking at? You're being creepy, Evan."

Oh. I was staring at his hair. It looked nice. Different, but nice. Not curly like it usually did. I liked it. It made him look friendlier.  
"Earth to Evan Hansen. Wake the fuck up. Are we going to go inside, or what?"  
"What? Oh, yeah, s-sure, Connor." And there was the anxiety, creeping up behind me and sticking to me. It was like a shadow, always there, but this time it was worse. I mean, Connor was a psychopath. What was I doing here? This was a bad idea. This was such a bad idea. I had packed some Klonopin, a new medicine for in the moment anxiety, but if Connor saw, he'd want some. I can't just take it randomly.

"Evan. Fucking. Hansen. Are you coming?"  
"Right!" I yelled, snapping out the prison cell my brain was and running up to follow Connor. I caught a smell, all of a sudden. I couldn't exactly pin what it was, though. Almost like… Cheap cologne? Yeah, that's what it was. Cologne from the grocery store nearby. The cheap one that always smelled like cat pee. It was a wonder it wasn't closed yet. And, caught in my thoughts once again, I rammed right into Connor. He had stopped, and I hadn't.

"Jesus Christ, Evan. Are you ever going to pay attention? Fuck it. Here, sit down and get comfortable. I snagged some beers from my parent's usually locked fridge. They're pretty stupid, and don't know that I figured out where the key is hidden."  
"I, uh, I don't drink. It interferes with my medication. I could die."

"Then don't drink. More for me."

"Uh… Okay."

And so we sat. And the sky looked like it could go on for forever, and that, unfortunately, was what the time we spent together felt like. I was dying to leave. But I couldn't. I couldn't leave him suddenly. He'd make my life hell. My own little prison cell, in my mind, bringing up all the bad things that would happen if I left. So I stayed, and stayed, and stayed. Two beers and an eternity later, Connor looked up at me, and asked,

"Do you want to go get ice cream? It sounds stupid, but if you eat it from a bowl then you don't look like a faggot."

"I didn't… I didn't bring any money." I replied, looking at him. Somehow, he looked… So much calmer than in school. Maybe he really liked being in the orchard, or maybe he was just drunk. God, I hoped I wouldn't have to drag him home on the bus. Were two beers enough to get you drunk? I wish I knew.

"I'll pay. My mom always has too much money in her purse for her own good. I snagged a hundred bucks the other day. She never even noticed."  
Oh. Great. He stole money from his mom. That's… wonderful. I'm hanging out with a thief, who probably thinks I'm his friend, even though I'm not, and now my palms are sweating, and he's standing up and walking towards the orchard exit. Perfect. Just how I wanted my day to go.

"You look like you're about to be hit by a car. C'mon, Evan. I want to go get ice cream. And don't tell anyone about it."

My only choice was to go, so I got up and followed. Down a winding path, up a hill, down a hill, and over the latched gate. A hundred feet more and we were staring at an empty road, and a sun that on its way down. How had time passed so quickly? What had we even talked about all that time? His sister being a bitch, his parents being assholes, everyone at school being pieces of shit, the people at the store staring him funny, his dealer cutting him a deal on his crack, my weird laughter when he actually made a funny joke, the dirt that I had managed to get on my cheek, the fact that he actually was able to smile now, how my smile looked nice and I should show it off more at school. Then maybe I would make more friends.

More friends? I had none, besides the family friend Jared who only hung out with me so he would look good in front of his parents. Jared would barely be seen with me, anyway. Did Connor actually consider me a friend? Why me? Oh, god, why me?

"Evan, let's go. You're spacing out, again. It's getting really fucking annoying."  
"S-sorry!" I yelled, looking both ways. Then I checked again, and again, then finally ran across the empty street that was void of all cars since before we arrived earlier that day. The ice cream parlour was not too far away, in fact only about five hundred feet down the road. A little strip mall, devoid of cars and people. No one was getting ice cream at seven at night in the middle of nowhere. Everyone was eating dinner, or relaxing in front of the TV. No one would bother to come all the way out here to eat ice cream.

"Jesus Christ, Evan Hansen. You're the spaciest person I've ever met." Connor groaned, then grabbed my hand and began to drag me down the sidewalk. I stumbled all the way, since his legs were much longer and he took much bigger strides, and in the end we were inside a surprisingly nice little shop that smelled oddly of bread.

"Welcome to A la Mode! What can I get the nice couple?"  
Couple? Couple? What the hell? I'm not gay, at all, never have been, never will be. Connor suddenly realized and lifted his arm, my hand with it, before throwing my hand down back to my side.  
"Yeah, we're not gay, so if you could shut up and get us ice cream, that'd be great."  
"Oh, uh, I'm sorry. What will you two be having?"  
"What do you like, Evan?"  
"Huh? I like, um… Chocolate vanilla twist soft serve the best."  
"We'll have one bowl of that, then."  
"Are we sharing?"  
"Why wouldn't we be? They have big portions here."  
I could feel the woman behind the counter staring. Only feel, since the moment Connor finished speaking I was staring down at the floor. The woman silently filled a cup with a gigantic serving of ice cream, placed it on the counter, slid it over, and told us our total. What it was, I don't remember. All I know is it was shockingly expensive, and I was silently praying Connor wouldn't yell again.

"Thanks." He said to the woman after placing a ten dollar bill on the counter. At that point, I looked up again, and the rather pale woman was handing Connor his meager change with a shaky hand. Why was she so scared? Oh, god. Connor was glaring at her. He always had a stare that was full of hate. He gave it to everyone in school. This woman was getting it, full force.

"Th-thank you, have a nice day." She stuttered, then ran into the back room.

"Couple? Was she serious? I'm not fucking gay. I doubt you are, since I've seen the way you look at my sister at school."

Oh, god. He noticed. He noticed how I looked at Chloe-er, Zoe. This was not good.  
"Wh-what do you mean?" I asked, wiping my hands on my pants. "I don't look at anyone, for too long anyway. Not at school."

"I'm not stupid, Evan. Despite what everyone thinks, I'm actually the brains of the family. How else would I be passing every grade without showing up to class most of the time?"  
He had a very good point there.

"I can't answer that… Um, can we sit?"

"There's tables right there. Sit wherever."  
"Thank you." I whispered, pulling out a chair slowly with an obnoxious squeak and placing the ice cream down on a table that still had crumbs from someone's cone. We had one spoon already, given to us by the terrified woman, and Connor wasn't going for a second. Since he had forgotten, I headed for the counter, but he grabbed my wrist.

"Let's share one spoon. It's pointless to use two."  
"But, uh…"  
"I'm not sick, and you're not sick. We can share a spoon."

Well, that was… disgusting. I mean, two guys, who aren't friends (at least in my mind) sharing a spoon? No wonder the woman thought we were gay.

"Sit." He commanded, and I quickly obeyed, sitting down on the tall bar stool. I stared at the ice cream, and then down at my lap. Connor silently ate a large amount of the ice cream, and boy could I feel him staring at me.

"You're too quiet. It's like you're dead. Say something."  
"Oh, uh, I don't really have much to say. I'm tired, you know?"

"Uh huh… Seriously, I can't eat all of this by myself. Eat."

"No, I'm okay. Really."  
"Eat."

And then I felt something cold poking me in the cheek. He was so adamant about getting me to eat it that he was shoving a heaping spoonful of two flavours of ice cream straight into my face, and not the place it was supposed to go.  
"Open."  
"Fine!" I said, wiping my hands and reaching out for the spoon. Before I could even grab it, I opened my mouth to apologize for yelling, and I was met with the entire portion of ice cream that was originally on the spoon in my mouth.

"Swallow it." Connor commanded. Oh, no. He was getting angry. I could feel my palms soaking themselves from my anxiety. But I swirled it around in my mouth, letting some of it melt, and then swallowed.

"You're a mess. It's all over your face." He commented, reaching out. What was he doing? What was he even doing? Why was his hand on my face? Why was he wiping the ice cream off my face? Why was he licking it off his finger?

Oh. My. God.


	2. Day Two

Dear Evan Hansen,

I need you to respond to my emails. My sister told me that you talked to her after running into her at some clothing store. Your mom had dragged you there, she said. She said you were acting weird, wiping your hands on your pants all the time. I've noticed it too. It's really fucking weird. You need to be more self aware. Anyway, meet me at the orchard tomorrow at ten in the morning. I want to see you. If you tell anyone, it'll be hell for you and me. Sneak out and meet me there.

Sincerely,

Me

This was e-mail number eight. Five through seven had been ignored, since he was a major psycho. Plus, he ate ice cream off of my face. Nothing made me more anxious than another guy hitting on me so indirectly. Especially when I have a crush on his sister!  
Once again, though, I began to feel sympathy. He was dying to see his "friend" again. I wasn't thrilled, at all, but I decided to tell my mom that Jared and I were going to an arcade nearby. I asked for bus fare and an extra ten dollars in the nicest voice I could muster, and I hopped the bus down to A la Mode. Connor was already waiting, wearing something a little nicer than last time: a Pink Floyd t-shirt with a blue flannel shirt over it, paired with the same jeans as before. They looked a lot cleaner than usual, though. Almost as if someone, perhaps even Connor himself, had done his laundry. That was farfetched thinking. His hair was in a much neater bun this time, without a single loose hair sticking out, and he was wearing… Glasses. Rather nice glasses. Had he ever worn them before?

"Evan Hansen. You're staring. Is it my glasses? I ran out of contacts. My stupid mother forgot to place the order, and she never showed me how to, so no more contacts. Emergency glasses. Stop staring. I fucking hate it."

"I-I'm sorry! Um, what are we going to do today? I know we talked and stared at the sky last time, but it's a little cloudy today…"

"The same thing as last time. I really enjoyed your company. C'mon. Follow me in. I'll show you the cluster of trees I used to call my secret fort. I checked and it's still there."

A fort? Alone with Connor? That would not be good. But I had practiced for this day: Just nod and follow him while I space out. That would work better than just staring. That was making everything worse. So here I go, following Connor deeper and deeper into the orchard, surrounded by dead trees and decaying stumps next to fallen logs.

"You're lagging behind, Evan. Speed the fuck up." Connor said, stopping and turning around. At least, I think that's what he said. All I heard was a jumble of words before I rammed directly into Connor. My face in his chest, and then his hands suddenly on my shoulders. The words that I did hear were these:

"You're either surprisingly forward, or spacey as fuck. Pay attention. I'm not afraid to carry you."  
"Yes, o-okay! I got it!" I stuttered as I backed away, then started forward again. This time, I did my best to focus on what was happening so I didn't get accused of being forward. I wasn't gay. I still had a crush on his sister. I… Did have a crush on his sister, right? Or did it fade? Oh, god, it faded. Probably due to the fear he puts into me every time he says his sister's name. But still, I was with Connor, again, and we were now standing in front of a patch of surprisingly thick bushes and lush trees. It was like an oasis in the middle of a desert, but instead it was a place I was trapped with Connor who was oddly not opposed to me being attracted to him even though that wasn't what was really happening and there looked like there was only one exit and I was most definitely not going to be allowed to leave by Connor and is he wearing a different cologne than last time?

"I can't believe I'm fucking saying this again. EARTH TO EVAN HANSEN. WAKE THE FUCK UP. The opening is here. Come inside."

"R-right!"

And then I walked into the circular clearing, surrounded by the only living foliage for what looked like miles. Connor followed me in, staring straight at me. Why was he staring at me? Why was he coming closer?  
But then he squinted, licked his finger, and began to rub my cheek.  
"You have dirt on your face. How did you even manage that? You didn't fall, and you didn't touch the ground, right? Did you purposely scuff yourself up to look cool? Just telling you now, it doesn't look cool. You just look like a slob."

I honestly had no idea how dirt got on my face. What I did know is that Connor was acting like my mother did when I was a child, and it was extremely weird.

"Sit down. You look like you're going to explode from stress." He said. In that moment, I plopped down on the dry grass, wiped my hands on my pants, and found my hand being held by Connor's. He had sat down next to me, rather close as well."Thank god I just wiped it," I thought. And then my eyes widened. Should I pull away? I wanted to, but that might make him angry. I didn't want that. Connor was… Gay? Bisexual? Something like that? And he was into me? Nothing could have been worse than this feeling. I felt trapped, confused, stressed, and sweaty.

"You're sweating."  
"I, uh, I, I know. I have sweaty palms when I'm nervous."  
"Don't be nervous. This is supposed to be a nice time. I'm actually calm. I feel peaceful, and happy, and I'm achieving all this while sober. This hasn't happened since I was a small child." He said. Something in his voice sounded different than it usually did. Maybe he really was sober? Maybe he was just happy to be himself, though… Was his anger all pent up stress? Is it possible that the infamous Connor was just… Misunderstood? It took a moment for it to all process, and that moment felt like forever. I found myself looking at Connor, who was looking at me with pure bliss in his eyes. Then his hand was on his cheek, and his lips were on mine. Once he pulled away, his low voice whispered,

"Evan Hansen, I think I'm in love with you."

Just a quick note that the tense changes are completely intentional. I'm writing this as if Evan is speedily jotting down everything so he doesn't remember, and he strikes me as the type that doesn't care much about grammar. Just a feel I get from him. Thank you for reading! 


	3. Day Three

Dear Evan Hansen,

I know it's been a week since I emailed you. I've been thinking over the day I kissed you. I know that you sat silently afterwards for the rest of the time, but I think i revealed myself as the calm person I can be when I'm around people I like. You're someone I really like. I'd really like to meet with you again. Please consider it. My parents and sister are going to see a movie today. That new superhero movie that's supposed to be so good or something. Please, come by. You know my address, right? 22 Maple Drive.

Sincerely,

Me

Of course I was silent for the rest of it. A boy kissed me. Another boy kissed me, on the lips. And that boy was Connor. It could have been anyone, but it had to be the scariest guy in school. But then I remembered that tone of voice he had, and the way he just held my hand… And I remembered that Connor was, quite possibly, the most misunderstood guy I had ever met. He was different than he seemed in school. He was kind, calm. He cared, and while he was extremely crude at times, he was genuine. It was nice to know I had a friend like that. The only problem is that Connor liked me more than a friend. How was I supposed to let him down gently? I'm not gay. I'm not even bisexual. The only man I've ever loved was my dad, and that ended the day he left. The question was, how do I reject him?

Obviously, I texted the only person I could think of: Jared. I asked him how you let down a girl who asked you out gently.

He just sent a bunch of laughing emojis.

Now what?

I decided that the best thing to do was to go to Connor's house. Letting him down over text was the safe way to do it, but it just felt… Wrong. Too cold. I wanted to do it in person. That's what mom would tell me to do. So I grabbed five dollars I had left over from the last time we hung out, and I bought a one way bus ticket to the stop closest to Connor's house. Look out the window, see the street sign, wipe my hands. Look out the window, see the street sign, wipe my hands. Over, and over, and over, until I saw Magnolia Street. Connor's house was two blocks away, so I hopped off of the bus and started what should have been the short walk over to Connor's place.*- What should have been fifteen minutes took half an hour. I dragged my feet, stopped every five yards, looked around, started walking, repeat. Once I was in front of his home-which was not the run down shack I expected-I hesitated to knock. What was I going to say? How was I going to say it? I hadn't prepared, at all. This was not going to end well. But before I could knock, the door swung open.

"Evan. I've been waiting for you. I can't stop looking out the window for you. I've been dying to see you. My parents and sister are gone. They won't be back until after dinner. They're eating out without me. I faked being high, and my mom didn't want to take me anywhere like that."

"H-hi there to you too." I stuttered. Suddenly, I was embraced, and pulled inside.

"I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to see you. I can't keep the scary guy act up in front of you. I'm not a psycho. It's just… A wall. One I've put up to keep out the people who wanted to be in my life for my family's money. I just don't care anymore. Not in front of you. I'm fucking gay, and goddamnit I'm fucking in love with you."

This was… Not good. I couldn't turn him down like this. I was shaking, sweating, tearing up. He just kept hugging, holding me tight against him. His heart beating fast, mine doing the same for a different reason. Another new scent of cologne, but this one not as cheap. His outfit was flattering again, with a Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt under a red flannel shirt and skinny jeans, all showing off his lanky figure that was paired with his hair in a ponytail this time.

And then I froze.

Every single time I saw him, I noticed his looks, his smell, his emotion, his tone of voice. I noticed every little thing about him. And he noticed every little thing about me, down to the smudge of dirt on my face that he had decided to wipe off for me. He bought me the ice cream I liked without a second thought of what he liked. He shared a spoon with me, but acted embarrassed when a woman called us a couple. This was… So confusing. He really was in love with me, wasn't he? I could hear it in his voice. He was just scared to show it in public. But now that we were alone… What exactly were my feelings? Was it normal to notice all of this stuff about another guy? It never happened with Jared… Jared was annoying. Things feel different with Jared than with Connor. I mean, sure, at first it was pure fear from being near a psycho. But learning more about him, understanding him more, and being in his arms… Everything was changing. What the hell was I supposed to say?

"You don't need to say anything. Just stay with me for a few more minutes."

There was my answer. Don't say anything. What do I do, though? Just guess what to do?

That's exactly what I did. I guessed that moving my arms up to hold his back was the best choice, and I guessed that I should press myself deeper into his hug.

I suppose it was a good guess, because the moment I got closer, Connor's heart began to beat harder. Mine did too. That wasn't all, though. I felt warmer, calmer, happier. Connor was…. Different than I had always known him. The only crazy he was was crazy in love. I was terrified, yet excited, yet anxious. All of these emotions flooding me at once, but this time were not imprisoning me. Instead, I felt… Freed. Connor was different. Maybe I should give him a chance.

"Evan, what do you say to us… Going out? I know it's sudden, but I need to know."

And there was the question. He made me feel weird, but would it end up a good weird? What would happen if we broke up? What if we ended up screaming at each other all the time?

"I promise I won't bring it up in school. It would make us both look terrible." He continued. "I just… I love you, and I want to be with you."

How do I answer? What do I say? How do I not look like an idiot?

"I, uh, um, well, I think it would be… Nice… To date?" I stuttered out. It was all I could muster before Connor suddenly released me from the embrace and kissed me ever so gently.

And I ended up kissing back.


	4. Day Four

Dear Evan Hansen,

I know I haven't emailed you in two days. My parents took away my phone. I got caught drinking, and apparently they don't like that. Even so, I want to see you again. I know I've said that, like, a million times, but I really mean it. I need to see you. You're the light of my life. I love you.

Sincerely,

Me

That really was the first email in two days. Since I didn't hear from him, I assumed he didn't want to continue anything and he regretted saying anything. I talked about it in therapy, saying it was all hypothetical, and the doctor said that I should just wait it out… And I did. I waited for two days before my phone buzzed twice-the e-mail vibration. When I checked it, and it was him, my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't believe that it was Connor again! I desperately wanted to talk to him, about what had happened at his house. After we kissed, I heard a car pull up, and when Connor peeked outside to see a black SUV, he urged me to bolt. I barely made it to the kitchen before the door opened, and I was pretty much sure we had been caught. All I could hear was arguing, with a young girl's-Zoe's-voice complaining about something or other. Connor screamed back, and I knew it was time to leave. The only word I caught was "banging" coming from Connor. It was time to go, for sure. So, I did. Straight out the back door and around the house, legs shaking and palms sweaty as I ran towards the bus stop.

Now, it was the day before school started up again. Senior year for both of us. The days his phone was gone was two wasted days that we could have used to see each other. But I was still uncertain-am I really gay? Do I really like Connor? None of this made sense, at all. I had always liked girls.

Mom didn't have any cash on her, so I had to email Connor back. I couldn't make it, as much as I wanted to. An instant two buzzes, and Connor offered to meet me at my house and pay for my bus fare. I wouldn't owe him, it said. Well, really, it said,

Dear Evan Hansen,

I need to see you. I still have cash from my parents. I'll be at your house soon, so wait outside and take the damn money. I won't take no for an answer.

Sincerely,

Me

Something I suddenly noticed was that Connor always signed his emails as "Me." It was strange, as if he didn't want anyone to know it was him. That must have been the point of his secret email address. If anyone found out he was gay, things would get so much worse for him. He was already angry enough at school, and if people were bullying him, I couldn't imagine what he would do. But I listened, and I stood outside on the front stoop.

"Evan. I'm here. C'mon, I want to go to the orchard. Oh, and we're sitting separately on the bus." He commanded. It wasn't forceful, like he talked at school. Instead, it was more urgent. He definitely was dying to go there. I took the five dollars, then watched as he ran ahead of me to the bus stop. Almost as soon as I caught up, the bus pulled up and stopped, the doors squeaking as they opened. I quickly went inside, handing the man my fare, then sitting down next to an old woman on the nearly packed bus. Please don't talk to me, I thought. Please don't.

Then, Connor dumped the money into the driver's hand and trudged over to the back, where no one was sitting. It was next to the bathroom, and I assumed that it smelled pretty bad for an entire section to be vacant. The bus pulled away, and off we went.

When we reached the stop outside A la Mode, I got off before Connor, who immediately started walking towards the orchard. I hurried behind him, trying to catch up, before suddenly stopping. Terrified, I realized that I recognized the voices of three boys outside A la Mode. One was Jared, and the other two were his real friends. I begged and pleaded to whatever god there may be to let them not notice me. And thank god, they didn't.

As soon as I made it into the orchard, I saw Connor standing on a tree branch. It definitely wasn't an apple tree, since it was so tall, but it too was lacking any leaves. Dead, just like the rest of the orchard.

"Climb with me." He said again, his voice much gentler. "I want to see the sky from all the way up there. And I want you with me. So follow me."  
"Uh, sure. Just how high are we going, exactly?" I asked, my voice cracking slightly. He just smiled at me in a goofy way I had never seen before. It was really nice. I actually… It made me really happy to see him like that. I decided that climbing the tree was the best plan, even though I had a slight fear of heights, and followed Connor up. We went up, and up, and up, on opposite sides of the tree, until we were veeeeery high. In fact, too high. I was really, actually, super scared, and Connor could tell. His gentle voice started again, saying,

"It's beautiful up here. Look up, Evan. Not down. Look up at the sky, and the sun. You can see all of the clouds for miles. It's wonderful."  
"I see it… It is really beautiful. I wonder what it's like to be a bird, able to see this all the time." I mused. Then came the crack, and the split, and the fall.

When I came to, Connor was kneeling over me, shaking my torso. My arm was numb, and I had no idea what was going on. Why was I on the ground? Why did my arm feel so weird?

"Evan, oh, god. You're not dead. Oh, Christ… I was so scared. You've been out cold for ten minutes. I tried calling an ambulance, but I have no signal, and I couldn't just leave you… Your arm looks terrible. It looks like it's split in two. It shouldn't be bending like that… Oh, god, this is all my fault. I'm sorry." Oh, it was Connor. What were we doing here? We were in the orchard, and we were on top of the tree, but after that I didn't remember.

"Why are you apologizing? The tree broke, I think. My arm feels… Really weird. Can you, uh, call someone? An Uber or something?"  
"Y-yeah! C'mon, just don't move your arm too much… Fuck, that looks terrible. I'm so sorry, Evan. I'm so sorry." He said, tears welling up in his eyes. Connor was… Crying? He was actually crying? That was… Weird, to say the least. Connor was a tough guy, shoving people out of the way at school and yelling at people to fuck off. Him crying was the last thing I expected. And the last thing I expected to happen was for me to begin crying, too.

It was after my arm was in a cast that Connor hastily told me he needed to leave. The doctors had called my mom, and he couldn't stick around to see her. He leaned over and kissed my cheek, then sped off. Then, the tears came had given me painkillers, so I wasn't crying from pain… This time it was longing. I wanted to be with Connor. I wanted him to stay. But my mother would be there any moment, having left work early, and I couldn't be seen with the biggest troublemaker in school. My mom wouldn't allow it. And how would she feel about a gay relationship? I had no idea what side she was on in the debate. She never talked about it at home, and she never watched the news with me.

"Mom, what do you think about gay people?" I said immediately after she arrived.

"Evan! Oh my god, what were you thinking?! The park ranger is gone already? God, I never should have let you take that job. It was a terrible idea. Evan, you're going to have to sit out of gym class, and you're going to have trouble showering, and doing chores… And you're a lefty! How are you going to hold a pencil? Never climb a tree that high again!" She scolded. Her voice had zero anger in it, though. Just terror, and concern.  
"I'm fine, mom. They did a scan and I don't have a concussion or anything. I was just knocked out for a minute. I'm fine."

"Knocked out?! They never told me that!"  
"Only the ranger knew that. Now, what do you think about gay people?"  
"Gay people-what are you talking about? Are you high on painkillers? They probably gave you a ton, didn't they? Oh, no…"

"I want to know. What do you think of gay people?"  
"Well, I don't really think it's normal. Gay people should seek therapy for their condition. Wait, that doesn't matter! Oh, honey, I can't believe you got hurt like this."

There goes coming out to her. If I decided I really am gay, that is. Then, I continued,  
"I'm fine, mom."  
"Are you sure? They really said no head injury?"  
"Surprisingly, no. Can you take me home now?"  
"Yes, of course. Let me just talk to the doctor."

And then she kissed me on the cheek, the same spot as Connor, and left.


	5. First Day of School (Part One)

Dear Evan Hansen,

It's five AM, and it's the first day of senior year. Don't approach me in school, or at all. Keep it to emails for now. I don't want to go open yet. After school, meet me at the orchard. It may be the last time I see you for a while. I'm going to bring some stuff to eat, so we can make it special. Wait there for me.

Sincerely,

Me

Day one of the last year of school. Worry filled me, as usual, but it was worse than usual. Had Jared seen me at the orchard? He hadn't texted me. He hadn't said anything to me. It was safe to assume that he hadn't seen anything. Even so, terror filled me as I walked through the doors with the thick white cast on my arm.

"Evan!" A familiar voice called. Of course it was Jared. He saw me immediately. Please, tell me he didn't see me.

"Uh, hi, Jared. Is there something you need?"  
"Nothing really. Just wondering where you were this summer. I didn't see you at all!"  
That was good to hear.  
"I did see someone that looked like you being dragged out of that old abandoned orchard by Connor, though. You know, the crazy kid?" He said a little too loudly.  
"What? No, I haven't been to that orchard. I barely left the house!" I laughed, with an extremely terrified tone in my voice.  
"Yeah, sure. How'd you hurt your arm?"  
"Oh, this? I, uh… Fell out of a tree at work. A park ranger found me after I yelled for a while, and he drove me to the hospital. I'm sure my mom told your mom all about it."  
"Yeah, probably. Anyway, do you want to hang out after school? I need brownie points with my parents."  
"Oh, uh, I'm busy. I lost something at work, and I need to go find it."  
"Well, let me come search with you."  
"N-no, it's okay! I want to go alone."  
"Oh, really? Because I think you've got a secret. Did you manage to get a girlfriend? Ha, like that could happen! Anyway, I need to get to Calculus. I'll see you later."

That was the most terrifying experience of my life. That was all I could think. I shuffled off to French, my mind still racing with the thoughts of what would happen if someone found out I kissed Connor. My life would be over.

School dragged on for what felt like days. I just wanted to leave and go meet with Connor. When the final bell eventually rang, I packed up my stuff, hopped the bus, and went down to the orchard. Connor was nowhere to be found. Obviously, the best choice I could think of was to go deep inside to his "secret fort" and wait for him there.

I got extremely lucky, though. Connor was there, searching through his backpack already. It was a nice, new looking bag, and Connor looked like he usually did at school. His hair was up in a ponytail now, but his outfit was the usual hoodie and jeans. Even so… I thought he looked amazing. I looked extremely plain, in just a green t-shirt and baggy blue jeans. My old sneakers were incredibly scuffed up as well. Connor's outfit… Well, despite looking like what he usually wore, looked new. His shoes had white bottoms, and the strings on his hoodie were white instead of grey. The jeans looked solid black and not faded at all as well. As plain as it was, it still looked amazing.

It was then that I confirmed that I did, in fact, have feelings for another boy. No straight guy looks another man up and down, thinking about how nice he looks. My mom… She would be so disappointed. She would probably blame this on my dad leaving, and the lack of a father figure… But in this moment, I didn't care. I strolled up next to Connor, sat down next to him, and leaned my head on his shoulder. He was warm, and his hoodie was soft… It was like a dream. I really was gay. Maybe bisexual, since I had feelings for girl at one point, but right now… All I could think about was Connor. It was like one of the romance novels my mother would always read. The girl sitting next to the man, happy as can be, only thinking of him. As it turned out, this was a real thing. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what Connor looked like, but I did know that he pulled out a bag of mini Reese's. Those peanut butter treats weren't allowed in my house, since mom had a nut allergy. I hadn't had one since Halloween when I was ten. I was allowed one before mom threw away anything with nuts that was in my bag. Before that, we would always have them at Jared's house. But soon after she had a bad reaction, they were banned from our house. Even so… My god, were they delicious. I stared down at them for a moment before asking,

"How did you know I loved these?" I mean, they were my favourite treat. I wanted one so bad, but I didn't reach for them. I wanted to know Connor's reaction. I wanted to hear his voice.

"I overheard you talking to the loud kid about them. How you haven't had them since you were a child, and that you were dying to have some. So I left school early and I bought a bag of the mini ones."

"Jared? I've never heard someone call him the loud kid, but now that you mention it… He is really loud. He calls it 'projecting.'"

"Whatever it is, it's annoying, and he needs to stop."  
"Mm. So…"  
"Yes, you can have one. You can have as many as you want. Just don't get a stomachache."

After about eight of the candies, I officially decided that I had had enough. Connor had eaten his fair share as well, and honestly, I couldn't be happier. Coming to terms with my feelings, and knowing that the person I had feelings towards felt the same way about me was all amazing. Connor's fingers intertwined with mine, looking into each other's eyes. They were hazel, I noted. I had never noticed before. I liked them. The loving look held in them made me feel so… Comfortable. I just couldn't contain it. I loved Connor, and he loved me. The logical thing to do, in my mind at least, was to kiss him again, long and slow. Eyes closed, lips together, my hand on his cheek. It was like heaven.

And then came that loud-no, projecting voice-

"What the hell is going on here?"


	6. First Day of School (Part Two)

"What the hell is gong on here?"

No. No no no. This was not happening. It was not Jared. Jared came from a very traditional family. Traditional meaning, "We hate gays." For him of all people to see us, was… Terrifying. I pulled away from Connor and just stared. Connor, well… Had a different approach to the situation.

"What the fuck is it to you?" He yelled, standing up. Jared stared up at him, clearly intimidated by Connor's height, but he still didn't move.  
"I mean, you two are gay? Seriously? Why? What's the point? It's gross. You need to grow up, Evan. I mean, what about Zoe? You had a crush on her just a week ago! Staring at her like a lovesick puppy, and now you're making out with her brother? It's creepy!"  
"And what the fuck is it to you?" Connor repeated, stepping closer. Then came the rough shove that sent Jared to the ground. Connor was angry. I was terrified. This date could not have ended worse. What the hell was I supposed to do now?

"Jesus Christ, you're insane! Stay away from me in school, Evan. The brownie points with my parents aren't worth hanging with a faggot. Plus, once they find out, they'll tell me to stay away anyway."

That hurt. Jared wasn't a friend, but those words hurt. I wasn't gay, though. I was pretty sure I was bisexual. Did that even matter? I was about to be outed when I wasn't even sure myself. I loved Connor. I knew that, and still do. What I didn't know is what my mom would say or do when she found out I had been spending my summer secretly dating a boy. She would send me to a different therapist, or pray the gay away camp. What would Connor's parents do? Would they make us stay away from each other? Ridicule me? Make Connor's life hell? What the hell was going to happen to us?

Then I came back to reality, out of my prison of a mind. Jared was walking away, and Connor was… Crying. Seriously? Crying? That was the last thing I expected from him.

"Connor… It's going to be okay. I know it will. Please, just stay here with me. It'll work out."  
"I'm crying because I'm going to be forced out of the closet. The whole fucking tough guy act was so I would be like a guy, and not the flamboyant gay my parents imagine all gays are. I'm fucking fragile on the inside, Evan. I don't want to be made fun of at school. I don't want to deal with more bullying than I already deal with. I just want to disappear."

"Connor… It's going to be okay. Let's… Go to your house, and tell your parents before Jared tells everyone. I think they would take it better coming from you, than Zoe coming home and saying that you're gay. Let's just do that. Please."

"Evan… I'm so fucking scared right now. I don't want to be disowned, or homeless, or anything like that. My parents have never said shit about gays, but they haven't said anything in support either. What the fuck are they going to think?"  
"We just have to go, and find out."  
"What about telling your mom?"  
"I… Should probably tell her too. Before Jared does. But the word may spread from his family to mine as soon as he gets on the bus and calls his mom. Oh, god, I'm so fucking scared now. I don't want to go to therapy. I don't want to do be torn away from my normal life. I'm finally functioning, almost. I called a pizza place yesterday and actually ordered. I actually went to the door and paid the guy. I actually did it. And now… I have no clue what's going to happen."  
"Evan… Let's go. We can't stay here longer, in case that fuckhead comes back. I never want to see him again. If I see him at school, the tough guy thing won't be an act. I'm going to kick his ass."

I-I-I-I

And suddenly, we were at Connor's house. There were three cars in the driveway. Why three? My mother wasn't here already, was she? No, none of them were hers. Maybe Zoe had a car of her own. I know Connor never got his license. His history and current use of drugs-well, he claimed to be clean since we started dating-had prevented him from getting a permit, let alone a license. His parents wouldn't let him, and I doubt the DMV would either.  
"Evan… They're home. Stay out here until I call you. I'm going to tell them alone. I don't want you to have to see them if they start screaming. If you hear screaming, just leave. Go home. Don't stay to see what happens. I don't need you to see that."  
"I want to stay with you. As terrifying as it is, I want to stay."  
"Please, just leave. I can't scar you like that."  
"I…"  
"Please."  
"I… Okay. I will."  
"Whatever happens, I love you Evan Hansen. Just wait for me, and just… pray. To whatever god there may be."  
That's what I tend to think. Did he pick that up from me?

It didn't matter. I just stared into his wet eyes, then stood up on my toes to kiss him.

"I love you, Connor."

And inside he went. The door shut, and there was pure silence. Even when I pressed my ear to the door, I heard nothing. The door must have been made of solid wood.

So I waited, and waited. I checked my phone every ten seconds, but it felt like ten minutes in between the times I checked. I stood as hours (minutes) passed, before I heard Connor call me with a shaky voice.  
"Evan, come in." He whimpered. I'd never heard him like that. It was painful to hear that fear. Did his parents scold him? Did they want to ream me out too? Did they want to banish me from their house forever? Did they want to call my mom? Back into my brain I went, feeling all of the deep fears and anxiety that it could possibly muster.  
"Evan, please. It's okay." Connor said again. Even if they told me to stay away and never come back, Connor needed me. I could tell by his voice that he needed me more than anything.

I wiped my palms, and I stepped inside, and I walked down the hall, and I looked around, and I eventually saw Connor and his parents.

Here was the moment. Connor and I were going to be forced to separate.

"So, this is Evan Hansen? He looks nothing like what we expected."

Wait, what? Were things actually going… Well? Were his parents accepting him and welcoming him?

"They… They knew since I was a child that I was gay." Connor stuttered as he stepped over and hugged me. "I would always stare at the underwear packages at the mall, apparently. And only the men's boxers."

"And you would grab at them, up until you were nine." His mother commented with a giggle She was staring right at me, a bright smile on her face, and it was… Refreshing, I guess? My mom usually looked extremely stressed after work and school, or I wouldn't see her at all. Sometimes she would smile, and tell me about how she loves me… I knew that would end soon. My phone was going to buzz, I was going to be commanded to come home, and it would be over. No more Connor, no more… 'gay' stuff, no more happiness in general. As soon as I finished that thought, Connor let go of me.  
"Connor, he's so cute. Oh, but what happened to your arm, sweetie?"  
"I, uh, fell out of a tree. Connor was-"  
"You're the one he took to the emergency room? We wondered why there was an uber charge to the hospital. He never told us."  
"He was probably getting high right after. We didn't see him until late that night, right?" Zoe suddenly commented. While Connor's mother was looking me over and being as welcoming as possible, and his father smiling while sitting in his big recliner, Zoe looked extremely sour. So she was the homophobic one of the group?

"How did a druggie get a boyfriend before me?"

Oh. She wasn't homophobic. She was just jealous.

"Zoe, stop making fun of your brother. He was so brave to come out to us like this, and even bring his boyfriend to us." His mother cooed. What a nice tone of voice. I wish my mother would be like that to me being bisexual.  
"I haven't… I haven't used in a month. I'm clean." He muttered, without a shred of pride to his voice. Sobriety was something to be extremely proud of. Had he not told anyone?  
"Connor, have you really stopped using? That's wonderful news! What got you to stop? Was it Evan?" Connor simply nodded in response to his mother's excitement. "Oh, you've been such a good influence already. Please, stay with him. Let me get you two some lemonade. You look very warm, Evan. You're sweating a lot."  
"I, uh, I have anxiety, actually, and this was probably one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I thought for sure I was going to be rejected."  
"Oh, sweetie! You're always going to be welcome in this house. You're such a good influence on my son already, and he's never been calmer than before. Do your parents know? Should I have them over for dinner? You must stay, of course! I want to learn all about the boy making my son happy."  
"Honey, please. The boy looks like he's about to fall apart. Give him a little space."

"It's, um, just me and my mom right now. My dad left when I was seven, and he has a wife and other kids now that are his priority, so… I just live with my mom."  
"Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. Why don't I call your mother and invite her over, then? I'd love to meet the woman that raised a boy like you. Connor gave us the quick version of you. How you always smelled nice, and how you had a calming voice, but that you always spaced out and didn't speak as much as you did with other people at first. And he told us your favourite ice cream flavour, and he told us about how he showed you his secret fort and that it's still standing. He's said so many wonderful things, although it was just in the past couple minutes."  
"Please don't call my mom." Was all I said in response. After she stared at me, completely puzzled, she said,

"Does she not know? I know this is a rather conservative town, but I'm sure she'd love you anyway. If she's anything like you, that is."  
"I… A family friend is going to tell his parents, who will tell her, and that's when I'll know her reaction. I just know that she thinks being gay is a treatable condition, and…"

Why was I saying so much? Did I really become that relaxed after being accepted? After that, I just froze. His mother looked concerned, and his father did but in a different way, and his sister just looked… Irritated.

"Your phone is ringing, Evan." Zoe finally said, breaking the silence.

It was. So I checked. And it was my mother.


	7. First Day of School (Part Three)

"Are you gonna… Pick it up?" Zoe asked. The silly ringtone I had assigned to my mother's number was her favourite song-Jingle Bells. Why she loved it, I don't know. All I knew is that my phone was currently playing that song and my mother definitely had some stuff to say. What do I do? Let it ring? I'd have to face her sooner or later. I couldn't just leave it until I got home. She might call the police and report me missing. That would not be good.  
"Evan, sweetie, you look extremely pale. Are you okay?" Connor's mom asked, obviously very concerned.

"Who, me? Oh, yeah, I'm fine! Let me just take this call, since it's my mother, and, uh…"  
"Go ahead, Evan. Like you said, everything will be alright." Connor said. As his hand brushed the hair out of my eyes, I suddenly found myself with more confidence. Not much more, but a bit more. Knowing I had Connor on my side was helpful, to say the least. After he kissed me on the forehead, I grabbed the phone that had already turned off and begun to ring a second time. Mom is going to be so upset, I thought. With a shaky, sweaty hand, I picked up the phone and held it to my ear.

"H-hello?"  
"Why did you never tell me, Evan? You know you can tell me anything."  
"T-tell you what? I mean, I'm so open, and you know…" I stuttered. Zoe was staring at me, and the moment I looked at her, she mouthed, "Not convincing."

"Jared's parents said that you're gay, and you were kissing a boy. Now, I know that we can get it treated, and maybe you can date a nice girl from school. Get someone to sign your cast and then start talking, you know? And-"  
"Mom, I don't want to be treated. Gay conversion therapy doesn't work. It's a modern torture."  
"But Jared's parents said-"  
"Being bisexual is a thing too, Mom. I'm attracted to boys and girls. And at the moment, I'm really into Connor from school. The one that Jared always calls, uh, crazy. But he's not. He's really a super sweet guy, and he took me to the ER when I broke my arm-"  
"You told me a park ranger did that."  
"No, it was… It was Connor. We were climbing a tree, and my branch broke, and I fell. He said that he tried to call an ambulance, but he had no signal, and he didn't want to leave me. So, I-"  
"Let me get this straight. You're attracted to boys and girls? Why don't you just date a girl then? Doesn't Connor have a sister?"  
"That's not how it works, mom. I'm… I'm in love with Connor. He makes me happy, and he cares for me, and he isn't crazy like everyone says. He's just really misunderstood."

"Are you sure? I mean, a gay relationship can't be good. It'll ruin your reputation. Really think this through, Evan."

"I don't have a reputation to ruin. It's my senior year of high school. His too. We're going to graduate at the same time. Mom, please."  
Then came the silence. The long pause from my mother, and the anxious waiting from Connor and his family. Just… Silence. And then…  
"Fine. But just remember, a gay relationship isn't a very good thing. You'll find a nice girl to settle down with and have kids with eventually. This is just a phase, I'm sure."  
Ignorance. That's all of what was coming out of her mouth. Just pure ignorance, and disregard for the fact that I had true feelings for a man. I was… Unbelievably angry. But I couldn't blow up at her. That would ruin any positive feelings she had about Connor.

"Connor's parents invited you to come to dinner. They want to meet you. They're really nice people, and I think you'll like them. Plus, you should meet Connor. So…"  
"I can't, Evan. I have class tonight. I can't miss class for that."  
For that? Really?  
"Okay, Mom. I understand."  
"I have to go now. I love you."  
"Love you too."

More silence. Everyone staring at me, judging my mom, maybe judging me.

"Evan, sweetie, I'm putting the pieces together, and she isn't that happy, is she? "  
"And she can't come, either. Classes."  
"I'm sorry. I'm going to go pick up a roast and veggies at the grocery store. I'll make you a good meal. You, Connor, and the rest of us. We can all sit down and get to know you, Evan. I see the way Connor has been looking at you. He's never looked at anyone like that."  
"I've seen him do that at school." Zoe chimed in. "He always watched someone in the halls. It was… Weird. Then came the time where he was harassing a kid for some reason or another. Probably for drug money."  
"I wasn't harassing him. I was asking him for Evan's email address, and he wasn't giving it to me. And it wasn't 'someone' I was watching. It was Evan. Something about him was different. Sure, he's a twig, and he looks terrified half the time, and he's always wiping his hands on his pants, but he's just… Special. I love him."  
So that's how he got my email. Glad to finally solve that. But no one, ever, has ever said anything as nice as that. As much as he insulted me, hearing him call me special was amazing. I couldn't imagine having a warmer feeling in my chest. I loved it. I still do.

"Why don't you two go watch a movie while I go get the ingredients for dinner?"  
"I'd… I'd really like that." I whispered, shuffling over to Connor to grab his arm. He was warm, and as I had suddenly realized, I was freezing. Was the room always this freezing? It probably was, but I didn't notice due to the pure terror.  
"My god, Evan, you're freezing. Why is your skin so cold?" Connor asked, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.  
"Yours is, too. Just not as cold as mine." I replied, closing my eyes. I was ready to spend some time with Connor in a place that didn't make my jeans dirty. A hopefully comfortable couch, with a blanket over our laps, me leaning on him.  
"They're probably gonna smoke crack in Connor's room." Zoe groaned. "Smoke crack then fuck really loudly."  
"Zoe, that's enough!" Their dad finally yelled. "Jesus Christ. Boys, why don't you go into the basement and put a fire in the stove, then watch a movie? Take some time on your own. Their mother is very excited that Connor's finally come out."  
"I'm just so happy that he trusts us enough to introduce his boyfriend to us. And he's clean, too!"  
"Evan, follow me downstairs. I need to get away from this. It's overbearing."

"That's a big word for you, Connor." I joked,wiping off my hand and then grabbing his.  
"Please. You sound like my fucking sister." He said with a slight tone of sarcasm in his voice. Not enough to show that he wasn't irritated, but when he squeezed my hand gently, I knew it was okay.

The basement was… Massive. One section had a kitchenette, another a pull out couch with a giant TV across from it, another had a pool table. There was even a taxidermy deer head on the wall. It wasn't what I had expected from Connor's home, but then again, I had yet to see his room. When I snapped out of my own thoughts, I saw that Connor was pulling out the bed and placing a couple pillows on it. The TV was on, with a picture of an old Japanese painting on it. It wasn't moving at all, which I thought was weird, and the bottom right of the screen had a clock.

"So, uh, what's with the TV? How do you use it?"  
"Really? You just cast a show to it. What movie do you want to watch?"  
"I'm… Open to anything. As long as I get to sit with you. Also, I have no idea, at all, what cast means."  
"It's a Chromecast. You just press the thing on some apps on your phone and it shows up on the TV."  
"That's really… Amazing." I said. Enough chit chat, I thought. I need to spend more time doing actual romantic things with Connor instead of just smalltalk. I needed to prove to myself that I loved him.

Or was I going to do it so I could tell my mother about it and prove it to her?


End file.
